He speaks a highly specialized sub-sub-dialect of Canadian Prairie English that relies heavily on ad hoc acronyms, rhyme schemes, abbreviations, puns, cultural allusions, and other mnemonic gymnastics. His mouth describes three sides of a trapezoid. He never knows what to do with his hands.
There are five young men with very nice bikes one assumes they have prosumed and not stolen (they all have the shoes to fit the shimano pedals, is why one assumes this). Their bikes are uniformly loaded with well-worn and heavily packed saddlebags. Kerouac pokes out of the bag on the red Devinci with the Dior derailleurs. Three of them sit on the plaza outside the liquor mart comparing bandanas of primary colours and sharing a plastic dish of olives from the Safeway tucked away in the parking lot behind. Two of them face off with black plastic katanas. The scene is exactly half imperial dignity and half absurd parody.
[ed note: Hey, speaking of Nic Cage (which you weren’t), this pile has been sitting in my drafts for weeks! Hooray!]
So we did the five-film blitz to wrap up in what very well may have been two days. Time seemed to acquire a strange molasses-like flow so I’m not sure how long it actually took or exactly when these movies were watched. Somewhere in there Guest-Curator Tyler joined in for Knowing. Unfortunately, not everyone got to see every movie (ie Pickles was busy with school), but there’s no way I’m rewatching them and I’m pretty sure the short-changed parties won’t feel too bad about it. So, in what very well may have been the order they were watched, I present short and tired reviews of the Final Five.
Peggy Sue Got Married (1986)
Even though it’s Coppola (who, by virtue of four films, holds a place in my brain or I guess heart or whatever), this looked pretty yawn-worthy. Going in with that mindset, I ended up mildly surprised. Not Very Good, but pretty Cute and with some memorable characters. Kathleen Turner (Overdrive) does a fine, not great, job. Ditto much of the supporting cast. Cage is outstanding. He models his character around some kind of weird 50sish TV-nostalgia, yet slightly cartoon-creepy [ed note: upon review, the term Lynchian springs to mind] voice. It’s pretty stellar. As for story, uh, pretty silly. It’s a time-travel movie about love and Nic Cage’s weird-ass voice.
Best moment(s): It feels like a cop-out to say “any time Cage speaks” so I’ll give a specific example - when Cage is recommending classical music (about which he knows nothing) to a customer at a record store; that squirrelly writer-kid’s poetry; all the Vonnegut references we made while watching [ed note: eg “KATHLEEN TURNER HAS BECOME UNSTUCK IN TIME!”].
Menno’s rating: 6.6
Pickles’ rating: 6.2
Haircut’s rating: 6.4
Overall Cage grade: unanimous A+
Moonstruck (1987)
Another bit-of-a-surprise movie. Not much really happens (some people who love each other betray each other like on various scales of A Little Bit and then everyone’s cool), but there’s good dialogue and performances and nothing really tear-your-eyes-out offensive happens [ed note: at this point I think I was just glad that these movies weren’t turning out to be Zandalee- or Trapped in Paradise-style affairs. Upon review I can practically taste the apathy and psychic exhaustion]. Cage gets to play Intense Guy (for the first time in his career, I guess) in that way he does, and, oh, he has no hand. Because he’s a baker and his brother distracted him and he [ed note: Cage] cut it off by accident or whatever. This is barely dealt with in the movie beyond that explanation, but it’s awesome. Blah blah blah, I didn’t want to kill Cher.
Best moment(s): Nic Cage explaining about his hand accident; John Mahoney’s playa antics (and subsequently drink-splashed face); the rad old Italian walking his dogs forever.
Menno’s rating: 6.5
Pickles’ rating: (absent)
Haircut’s rating: 6.7
Overall Cage grade: B+
Knowing (2009) [ed note: SPOILERS]
I had tried to watch this one before and failed. This time, in the company of allies, it seemed to be going smoothly. I mean, the movie isn’t very good and Cage is hamming it up like Easter Sunday, but it’s watchable enough and fun to make fun of. But then, man oh man, The Turn hits you. When The Turn happened (and I won’t say what it is, but it rhymes with Schmaliens) every man present (including the two who had seen the ending) yelled obscenities at the screen and each other for a short time (30, 40 seconds?) in sheer shock and confusion. I mean, wtf. One of the worst cop-outs I have ever seen on film. Fuck that ending.
Best moment(s): “THE NUMBERS ARE THE KEY!!!”; people in the plane crash walking around all ablaze (literally).
Menno’s rating: 4.8
Pickles’ rating: 5.8
Haircut’s rating: 3.6
GC Tyler’s rating: 4.0
Overall Cage grade: C+
Bad Lieutenant - Port of Call: New Orleans (2009)
This is probably my favourite movie of 2009, and I had seen it twice before screening it for 31DoC. I really can’t say enough good things about this film. Werner “it’s not a significant bullet” Herzog directing + Cage as a drug-addicted and remorseless corrupt NOLA detective + Eva Mendes’ stunning form + over the hill Val Kilmer (who is looking, in a word, terrible) + Alvin “Xzibit” Joiner (yes, he’s credited that way) as a gangsta named Big Fate + lizards and shit = WIN! The film is one of those insanely good trips - all interesting, funny characters and strange/hilarious scenarios and not a wasted or dragging minute and it’s over too soon. I think Herzog and Cage are really on to something here. Maybe Nic could be Werner’s new Kinski!
Best moment(s): “what the fuck is that? fuckin’ iguana!”; “to the break of dawn!”; “shoot him again” “man WHAT FOR?” “his soul is still dancing” (soul breakdances to zydeco); the “oh yeah!” guy; fuck, all of it.
Menno’s rating: 9.2
Pickles’ rating: (absent on the rating sheet, though he’s seen it at least twice)
Haircut’s rating: 8.9
Overall Cage grade: unanimous A+
Face/Off (1997) [ed note: not really a review so much as an excuse for a review. Probably over-harsh on the movie, but something to mark the sad, final act of a weird month. Deals mostly with my state while watching. The most skippable thing I’ve yet written about Cage]
A big, stylish action flick helmed by John Woo and starring John Travolta as Nic Cage and Nic Cage as John Travolta sounds like dynamite on paper. What it really is just OK and over-long and a little sad. Maybe my perception is coloured by watching this one alone at 2 in the morning burnt-out from Cagefest and wanting out and too many whiskeys in, though. The plot is, of course, ridiculous and seems to be a vehicle for large explosions and chases and shootouts and weird acting (Travolta doing Cage doing Travolta and vice versa). I felt empty during and for a brief time after this one, which is probably at least partly its [ed note: Face/Off’s] fault.
Best moment(s): -
Menno’s rating: (absent)
Pickles’ rating: (absent)
Haircut’s rating: 5.2
Overall Cage grade: B (unanimous I guess)
So there it is. My feelings: Cage is a better actor than I gave him credit for before March 2010; I can watch some terrible movies if I put my mind to it; I discovered some pretty cool movies I may never have discovered without 31DoC; don’t live like me. I figured I would end this with a long retrospective on the month and How It Changed Me and What I Learned About Cage and Myself and The Redemptive Power of Cinema and whatnot, but I don’t want to anymore. [ed note: I still don’t want to]
We’re in troubles! Life and laziness have struck the Haircut/Pickles/Menno household and now we have to do a 5 film marathon over two days to complete our project. FRESH POTS sorely needed. Days 23-26 saw some good action (including a visit by our favourite parents-to-be, GCs James and Mimi):
day twenty-three
Adaptation (2002)
I have a mega boner for Charlie Kaufman, so my review is pretty biased. That said, I fucking love this movie. So brilliantly meta. Cage is outstanding. Again, not super over the top, but just so on, you know? This might be my favourite role of his (tied with Vampire’s Kiss - day 3). Chris Cooper and Meryl Streep are also terrific in supporting roles. I can not say enough good things about this movie, so I will just get more coffee and let you fill in the details yourself.
Best moment(s): Chris Cooper explaining all his past obsessions (“Fuck fish!”); Stoned Streep (“I wanna be an ant, oooooh they’re so shiny!”); “It’s like technology versus horse!”; etc
Menno’s rating: 8.4
Pickles’ rating: 8.3
Haircut’s rating: 9.0
Guest Curator James: 8.7
Guest Curator Mimi: 8.0
Overall Cage grade: unanimous A+
day twenty-four
Family Man (2000)
Ugh. What’s 31 DoC without some Brett Ratner? This movie is pretty brutal. It’s a sloppy alternate reality rom-dramedy featuring Don Cheadle as magical negro (for serious). This one frustrated me to no end. Cage is kind of a money-obsessed dick, but not all that bad, who does something nice before Christmas and gets rewarded by Wizard Cheadle fucking his entire life up. TWICE. Cage does what he can, but the script + Ratner = CINEMATIC POISON.
Best moment(s): not even worth it
Menno’s rating: 4.7
Pickles’ rating: (waiting)
Haircut’s rating: 3.3
Overall Cage grade: (waiting… leaning to B/B-)
day twenty-five
Matchstick Men (2003)
A pretty charming flick about con artists. Cagester is pretty darn good as the charmingly neurotic Roy Waller, and Sam Rockwell (The Rock!) is delightfully muggy as Zany Sidekick. I do find 22 year old Alison Lohman playing an alleged 14 year old a little creepy, but meh. The story is a little transparent and you can see the twist/reveal from two acts away, but the players are likeable and the images are pleasing (lots of soft light that works well). Well done, Ridley.
Best moment(s): Rockwell’s brief Walken impression; Cage yelling at Lohman for being a “nosy parker”
Menno’s rating: 7.9
Pickles’ rating: 7.8
Haircut’s rating: 7.5
Overall Cage grade: unanimous A
day twenty-six
The Rock (1996)
The beginning of the end for Cage, as one friend has put it. Hard to disagree. Fresh off his Oscar role, Cage goes for the big paycheque in this Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer testosterone fest. It’s like all of a sudden people realised he was an Academy Award winner that also had Nice Abs, so action movies, please. Anyway, Cage is average but not uncool. Connery is getting by on being Connery. The movie itself is 135 minutes of tits, fire, and helicopters flying in formation (like any other Michael Bay movie). Forgettable.
Best moment(s): Anthony Clark as flamboyant hair-dresser
Menno’s rating: 5.4
Pickles’ rating: 6.7
Haircut’s rating: 5.1
Overall Cage grade: B
Eight more.
day twenty-two
Wild at Heart (1990)
Awesome. Pretty funny, a little creepy and unsettling, supremely entertaining. I had high hopes for this one and it didn’t disappoint. Cage is very fine in his role, no over the top freakouts or blatant Cage-isms, but very effective and charming. He even sings well! Laura Dern, despite a bit of a dogface, is equally tits money. I think Juliette Lewis’ character in Natural Born Killers owes a lot to Dern for this one. The supporting cast is mostly good, with Willem Dafoe being the stand-out for my money. Bobby Peru (just like the country) is creepy as fuck. An enjoyable and rewatchable film. This one is staying on the hard drive long after 31 DoC becomes nothing but a memory.
Best moment(s): Cage killing a man with his bare hands in the opening scene; the side of the road dance/wig out scene; anything involving Bobby Peru; the death of Johnnie Farragut.
Menno’s rating: 6.3
Pickles’ rating: 6.8
Haircut’s rating: 8.1
Overall Cage grade: unanimous A
Had a real doozy sneak up on us in here this week. Guests Brad and Pro Tools joined for friday and Guest Curator Craig joined for his third tour on sunday.
day seventeen
The Weather Man (2005)
Not a bad movie, but an occasionally annoying one (and the more I watch it, the more annoying it gets). It’s basically the story of a rich asshole who’s losing his shit because his marriage has fallen apart. Yeah, I sure can relate. It feels dragged out and overly long even at only 100 minutes. The thing it does have going for it is jokes. There are some pretty funny lines/situations throughout that make it worth it. Cage’s character is completely unsympathetic and I spent most of both viewings of the movie wanting him to smarten the fuck up. The filmmakers wanted it that way, I guess. Cage’s performance is pretty average, with a couple of stand-out moments (like when he’s going to forget the tartar sauce). His narration is pretty excellent. Supporting cast is okay, but again, I dislike most of the characters. Decent score + Iggy Pop as background music in a mall scene.
Best moment(s): Michael Caine explaining what a camel toe is; Cage’s SOC rambles on his way to forget the tartar sauce; The Passenger playing in a mall
Menno’s rating: 7.3
Pickles’ rating: (still hasn’t seen)
Haircut’s rating: 6.2
Overall Cage: (see Pickles. leaning to a B to B+)
day eighteen
Zandalee (1991)
Holy fuck. A wannabe erotic “thriller”/Tennessee Williams kind of thing CO-PRODUCED BY AND STARRING JUDGE REINHOLD. This movie is absolutely terrible. It’s basically The Room, but in 1991 and with less pidgin English and more bad New Orleans accents. The story is boring and builds to a “was that it?” climax, but it’s paced well so it feels mercifully short (which is its main difference from The Room). Also the first of many movie-saving female full frontal shots appears three and a half minutes in. Reinhold’s moustache is outstanding and his accent is shitty, and Cage is on another level. This role is pretty perfect for him, as he plays a deep, dark artist with long, broody hair. You know he’s gonna rule from the moment his character comes on screen (seriously - best Cage entrance yet). He also pulls out one of his best freakouts later in the film. All around an absolutely terrible/hilarious film that I will probably see four or five more times in my life.
Best moment(s): Cage’s entrance; The Black Rose of Fate tattoo; the “BLACK IT ALL OUT!” freakout; boobs
Menno’s rating: 4.8
Pickles’ rating: 7.0
Haircut’s rating: 4.2
Overall Cage grade: unanimous A+
day nineteen
The Wicker Man (2006)
Ugh. One of the worst remakes of all time. It takes all the creepiness and awesomeness from the original and replaces it with laziness, bad ideas, and Leelee Sobieski. I want to slap Neil LaBute sharply about the face and neck for this. WHY DID THEY MAKE IT HIS DAUGHTER? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG. Cage is fucking terrible, which I am going to blame on LaBute, because he should be ruling hard in this role. Instead he just yells at bees that aren’t there. THUDOWN.
Best Moment(s): Cage punching a woman in the face while wearing a bear costume; HOW’D IT GET BURNED? HOW’D IT GET BURNED?
Menno’s rating: 2.8
Pickles’ rating: 3.0
Haircut’s rating: 3.1
GC Brad’s rating: 4.0
GC Pro Tools’ rating: 2.5
Overall Cage grade: C+
day twenty
Guarding Tess (1994)
Not that bad (especially with the taste of The Wicker Man still in one’s mouth). The story is kind of tired, and the third act twist is retarded, but it is occasionally adequately sweet and/or funny. Shirley MacLaine is pretty good as a crazy old former first lady (gee, Shirley MacLaine doing a good job at playing a crazy old lady, who’d ‘a thunk it?). Cage is pretty average, except for the scene in which he shoots off a guy’s toe. That’s gold. The highlight of the film is writer/director Hugh Wilson as the President’s voice. Pretty good Bush caricature. To reiterate - not that bad.
Best Moment(s): James Rebhorn’s reaction shots during the toe-shooting scene; all the phone calls from the President
Menno’s rating: 5.5
Pickles’ rating: 5.6
Haircut’s rating: 5.0
Overall Cage grade: Unanimous B
day twenty-one
Next (2007)
I am embarassed to say that this is the second time I’ve seen this movie. It is not good. The whole thing seems really lazy and half-assed (stock footage of Vegas during opening credits!), and the plot is retarded and doesn’t even follow its own rules at times. The two saving graces are a good pace (feels really short) and Cage’s hair. Cage’s acting is terrible - all woodface, no Cagey screaming. Julianne Moore is fucking awful and all I could focus on was her strong, masculine jawline. You can see the both of them counting the zeroes on their cheques in the scenes they have together.
Best moment(s): Uh… I guess the part where sleepy Cage in profile kind of looked like Brent Spiner’s corpse. Yeah, that was cool.
Menno’s rating: 4.8
Pickles’ rating: 3.8
Haircut’s rating: 4.1
GC Craig’s rating: 4.5
Overall Cage grade: C-
Pickles is getting pretty busy with school wrapping up + work, so he’s gonna be missing out on some of these (at first, anyway). His ratings will be added as he sees the movies.
day 15
Snake Eyes (1998)
I remember watching this on VHS when I was 12 or 13, right after it came out, and not liking it. It’s still not very good, but at least there are things about it I can appreciate now. De Palma, Cage, and Sinise are all on top of their game here, but the script/story blows pretty hard. The cinematography is very cool - lots of cool tracking shots, some first person POV, a cleverly edited opening sequence that looks like a 12ish minute single take, and some split screen stuff. Cage is in fine form as fast-talking corrupt Atlantic City cop Rick Santoro (sort of a proto Bad Lieutenant thing), and really makes the movie for me. It’s his usual unique brand of over-acting that really works for the character. Sinise is also pretty dynamite as Evil Plotmaster. The real problem is that story is pretty lazy (no twists, very obvious), and the ending is balls. I highly suggest watching the first 40 or 50 minutes of the movie and then falling asleep. Still better than The Untouchables.
Best moment(s): Cage’s fucking gold late 90s motorola flip phone; Lincoln Tyler’s POV shot; Sinise using the magic ERASE control on the security cam footage; Carla Gugino’s shapely self.
Menno’s rating: 6.1
Pickles’ rating: 6.8
Haircut’s rating: 5.3
Overall Cage grade: A-
day 16
Lord of War (2005)
I think this was the fifth time I’ve seen this movie, which usually means I think it’s a pretty good movie or a very, very bad movie. In this case it’s the former. While there a few minor things that irk me about it (some geographical flubs, some historical goofs, some timeline problems, Jared Leto in general), the story is compelling and it’s well shot and acted (mostly). Cage doesn’t do his normal crazy Cage thing very much, but pulls it out when needed (cf: the cargo plane highway landing scene). He plays a decent salesman. However, Eamonn Walker is the real story here (atmo) with his creepy, funny, and strangely charming portrayal of fictional Liberian warlord Andre Baptiste (loosely based on Charles Taylor). Leto I could take or leave, but at least he didn’t ruin it. Also, possibly the best opening credits sequence in the last 10 years.
Best moment(s): “Sir, will my hand grow back?”; all of Eamonn Walker’s ‘wrong’ phrases (“Thank you, but I prefer it my way.”); actually naming the shadowy corrupt US colonel Oliver Southern (I’m serious).
Menno’s rating: 8.0
Pickles’ rating: 7.9
Haircut’s rating: 7.6
Overall Cage grade: A
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