Had a real doozy sneak up on us in here this week. Guests Brad and Pro Tools joined for friday and Guest Curator Craig joined for his third tour on sunday.

day seventeen

The Weather Man (2005)

Not a bad movie, but an occasionally annoying one (and the more I watch it, the more annoying it gets). It’s basically the story of a rich asshole who’s losing his shit because his marriage has fallen apart. Yeah, I sure can relate. It feels dragged out and overly long even at only 100 minutes. The thing it does have going for it is jokes. There are some pretty funny lines/situations throughout that make it worth it. Cage’s character is completely unsympathetic and I spent most of both viewings of the movie wanting him to smarten the fuck up. The filmmakers wanted it that way, I guess. Cage’s performance is pretty average, with a couple of stand-out moments (like when he’s going to forget the tartar sauce). His narration is pretty excellent. Supporting cast is okay, but again, I dislike most of the characters. Decent score + Iggy Pop as background music in a mall scene.

Best moment(s): Michael Caine explaining what a camel toe is; Cage’s SOC rambles on his way to forget the tartar sauce; The Passenger playing in a mall

Menno’s rating: 7.3

Pickles’ rating: (still hasn’t seen)

Haircut’s rating: 6.2

Overall Cage: (see Pickles. leaning to a B to B+)

day eighteen

Zandalee (1991)

Holy fuck. A wannabe erotic “thriller”/Tennessee Williams kind of thing CO-PRODUCED BY AND STARRING JUDGE REINHOLD. This movie is absolutely terrible. It’s basically The Room, but in 1991 and with less pidgin English and more bad New Orleans accents. The story is boring and builds to a “was that it?” climax, but it’s paced well so it feels mercifully short (which is its main difference from The Room). Also the first of many movie-saving female full frontal shots appears three and a half minutes in. Reinhold’s moustache is outstanding and his accent is shitty, and Cage is on another level. This role is pretty perfect for him, as he plays a deep, dark artist with long, broody hair. You know he’s gonna rule from the moment his character comes on screen (seriously - best Cage entrance yet). He also pulls out one of his best freakouts later in the film. All around an absolutely terrible/hilarious film that I will probably see four or five more times in my life.

Best moment(s): Cage’s entrance; The Black Rose of Fate tattoo; the “BLACK IT ALL OUT!” freakout; boobs

Menno’s rating: 4.8

Pickles’ rating: 7.0

Haircut’s rating: 4.2

Overall Cage grade: unanimous A+

day nineteen

The Wicker Man (2006)

Ugh. One of the worst remakes of all time. It takes all the creepiness and awesomeness from the original and replaces it with laziness, bad ideas, and Leelee Sobieski. I want to slap Neil LaBute sharply about the face and neck for this. WHY DID THEY MAKE IT HIS DAUGHTER? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG. Cage is fucking terrible, which I am going to blame on LaBute, because he should be ruling hard in this role. Instead he just yells at bees that aren’t there. THUDOWN.

Best Moment(s): Cage punching a woman in the face while wearing a bear costume; HOW’D IT GET BURNED? HOW’D IT GET BURNED?

Menno’s rating: 2.8

Pickles’ rating: 3.0

Haircut’s rating: 3.1

GC Brad’s rating: 4.0

GC Pro Tools’ rating: 2.5

Overall Cage grade: C+

day twenty

Guarding Tess (1994)

Not that bad (especially with the taste of The Wicker Man still in one’s mouth). The story is kind of tired, and the third act twist is retarded, but it is occasionally adequately sweet and/or funny. Shirley MacLaine is pretty good as a crazy old former first lady (gee, Shirley MacLaine doing a good job at playing a crazy old lady, who’d ‘a thunk it?). Cage is pretty average, except for the scene in which he shoots off a guy’s toe. That’s gold. The highlight of the film is writer/director Hugh Wilson as the President’s voice. Pretty good Bush caricature. To reiterate - not that bad.

Best Moment(s): James Rebhorn’s reaction shots during the toe-shooting scene; all the phone calls from the President

Menno’s rating: 5.5

Pickles’ rating: 5.6

Haircut’s rating: 5.0

Overall Cage grade: Unanimous B

day twenty-one

Next (2007)

I am embarassed to say that this is the second time I’ve seen this movie. It is not good. The whole thing seems really lazy and half-assed (stock footage of Vegas during opening credits!), and the plot is retarded and doesn’t even follow its own rules at times. The two saving graces are a good pace (feels really short) and Cage’s hair. Cage’s acting is terrible - all woodface, no Cagey screaming. Julianne Moore is fucking awful and all I could focus on was her strong, masculine jawline. You can see the both of them counting the zeroes on their cheques in the scenes they have together.

Best moment(s): Uh… I guess the part where sleepy Cage in profile kind of looked like Brent Spiner’s corpse. Yeah, that was cool.

Menno’s rating: 4.8

Pickles’ rating: 3.8

Haircut’s rating: 4.1

GC Craig’s rating: 4.5

Overall Cage grade: C-